"Chris D" wrote in message
news:48842d88$0$13949$afc38c87@news.optusnet.com.au...
>
> "Bo Raxo" wrote in message
> news:NP-dnXqNLdctax7VnZ2dnUVZ_jednZ2d@comcast.com...
>>
>> "_ Prof. Jonez _" wrote in message
>> news:6eia1eF76b6fU1@mid.individual.net...
>>> Bo Raxo wrote:
>>>> No point in giving them a second chance, everyone knows these types
>>>> will just commit the same offense over and over. Sure, you could
>>>> lock them up, but why waste the money. Might as well kill them. It
>>>> will serve as a warning to others, right?
>>>
>>> Sounds sooo ... Amerikkkan!
>>>
>>
>> That spelling will be criminalized in Patriot Act III (watch for it in
>> Spring 2009). Now that the fourth amendment is completely dead, efforts
>> can now be focused on shredding the first and fifth.
>>
>>
>> Bo Raxo
>
> Concidering this latest declaration from the British, you have to work on
> your spelling too! Criminalizied and other ize words will no longer be
> accepedable.
>
Bloody hell!
> To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your
> failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
> yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
> effective today.
>
Great, as a British subject I'll be required to boil all of my food until
it's completely flavorless, and cancel all future dentist appointments.
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
> over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which
> she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony
> Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there
> is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America
> without the need for further elections.
Whoops, guess you didn't notice last year when Ton Blair became an
ex-lap-dog. Gordon Brown is a forgettable fellow, I must admit. Kind of
ironic given your "world outside your borders" line that you don't know who
the PM of England is.
> Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
> circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
The rise in local white collar crime as Congress and their staffers return
to communities across the country will be hard to ignore.
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
> rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>
> 1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
> look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
> just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
> reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
> 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn
> to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your
> love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the
> suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the
> suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to
> respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct
> pronunciation.
>
As soon as the Brits are willing to present Shakespeare only in the original
Klingon.
> Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
> vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
> noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
> form of communication.
Yes, we should all use "mate" instead.
> Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry
> Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you
> shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then
> you won't have to use bad language as often.
The bleeps are actually a form of music, you just don't appreciate it.
>
> 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
> your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
> of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
>
Like we need another reason to not buy Vista.
> 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
> really isn't that hard.
We can tell the difference: Aussies sound much drunker.
> English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian
> (Daphne in Frasier).
Er, I thought the character was from Manchester, but apparently she's from
Mancun. Is that the gay version of Cancun?
>You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish
>dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
That'll be hard on all three viewers.
>
> 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
> good guys.
Apparently you haven't seen that Hugh Grant romantic comedy. There's only
one, but they keep remaking it every two years with slight changes.
> Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
> characters.
Does this mean Fox can fire Hugh Laurie and replace him with some guy from
Scrubs?
> British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be
> re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't
> cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
>
America invented the art form. Check out Norman Lear's work.
>
> 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.
That would be a nice gesture to the memory of George Washington, I have no
doubt he hated that day.
>
> 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
> tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
> doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
>
Which is why they call it Saltachusetts.
> 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
> beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
> will be referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted
> provenance will be referred to as Lager.
'Tis a small-minded man whose dreams do not include a fine pilsner.
> The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred
> to as Near-Frozen Knat's Urine,with the exception of the product of the
> American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak
> Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured
> for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,Czech Republic) to be sold without risk
> of confusion.
>
But we're supposed to call it a lager? It's a pilsner, this is right up
there with your Blair/Brown mistake.
>
> 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
>
Mafia hit hired out to the Cubans, the shoot team was in front of the limo,
firing from the overpass directly in front of the car. Oswald was a lone
gunman, by coincidence making an "assasination gesture" similar to his
failed murder attempt on Walker. He had the bad luck of trying to make
himself famous at the time and place of a successful assasination - hence
his declaration that he was a patsy. Glad to clear that up for you.
> 16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
> to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
>
We have a pretty good set of deductions from world wars one and two.
> Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.
>
> John Cleese
>
Ah, that explains why the Blair reference is out of date.
Bo Raxo
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